WARNING DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE ALREADY WATCHED THE DARK KNIGHT RISES. MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD.
I bought my tickets on June 11th. I couldn’t sleep after watching The Dark Knight in 2008, but I was realistic with my expectations for the third installment. I knew that it couldn’t exceed the second film. That movie redefined comic book movies, and stands alone as arguably the best PG-13 action movie ever made.
Let’s just jump right in, though: The Dark Knight Rises was terrible.
Here’s your first spoiler: this third installment was the product of Christopher Nolan being kidnapped and the movie being directed by the godfather of all disappointment: George Lucas.
Villains. It’s really not fair for Tom Hardy. He walked into a shadow that no one could hope to match– Heath Ledger’s immense Joker performance. First, the voice-over was clear, but sounded more like a whiny mad scientist from Berlin, but also defines “trying too hard.” His dialogue was all cliche, but the problem with Bane as a villain centers around how flat a character he is; literally, he was recycled-paper thin.
When Batman has his showdown with Bane that we knew would happen from trailers that have spammed all media forms for over a year, it was soul crushing to watch. Batman stopped using the precise martial arts that were so effective for the first two movies, and instead tried punching Bane’s armored chest plate, swinging double handed, over the head chops, and leaping body lunges like a drunk man.
Bane offers predictable taunts, all while catching Batman’s punches in his palm, head butting batman, and casually beating Batman to a pulp with his superior training. That he got from the exact. Same. Person.
The worse villain is Talia Al Ghul. We knew it was her all along. Again, trailers revealed the final, climactic scene, and photos released from that scene showed her in a silly league of assassin’s robe. Her terrible dialogue included “Shoot them. Shoot them all.” Barf.
Robin. Yes, even though it’s been written that Christian Bale only agreed to sign on as Batman under the condition that Robin would never be in the films, they for some reason did it anyway. Joseph Gordon-Levitt takes a loud, runny, corn filled dump all over the film. He always overreacts– always. He gets made a detective after making one suggestion in front of the doped up commissioner, and with his first day of active duty as a detective lets Bruce Wayne know that he knows his true identity and immediately leaves. Stupid.
He continuously handles each situation like a bull in a china shop, including the pointless scene at the end of the movie in which he yells at the other police who stop him from crossing the bridge. Despite him only having been a rookie as the film starts, and a detective for maybe two months, he throws his badge off the bridge in disgust after Batman fakes his death.
Beyond that, even though he and Batman interacted 2-3 times in their entire lives, Batman gives him the keys to the kingdom, thus replacing the LOA trained, genius, billionaire action hero, with an untrained, short, rookie cop with no money, brains or talents. Sweet ending.
Michael Caine was bad. Gary Oldman was bad. Matthew Modine was very bad. Really the only actors who held their own were Hathaway and Bale.
Sigh, this is long. Okay, rapid fire!
Batman loses his strength when he fights Bane. His haymakers to the face do nothing. Except later once he’s had his spine broken, then his punches are effective.
Catwoman was missing in the middle of the film for long enough that she felt like a last minute addition to the film.
Love scene with Miranda/Talia made no sense. My wife and I looked at each other with a WTF look when they kissed– they had had one completely un-sexy 30 second conversation together, then with the sexy news that Bruce is broke they start making out in his powerless mansion. Classic.
The prison where Bane came from– you know the one where he was “raised in darkness” and the psychological torture device is always being able to see the sun— teaches Batman to feel fear. Because if part of your brain is occupied being afraid of something, than more of it is free to think clearly– at least according to the abysmal writing behind that logic-bile. While he’s afraid, he does pushups and pullups to improve his jumping muscles.
Bane feeds the cops who are under the city. The city that he’s going to blow up and the 12 million people are going to die, those are casualties of war, but he’s no cop killer. Except when kills cops.
The stock exchange robbery in full daylight? JK, it’s the black of night once the motorcycle chase starts. Because Batman.
After escaping the prison that Bane didn’t think Batman could escape from– although the last person able to do it was literally a little girl– Batman teleports (I guess) his penniless-butt back to Gotham, penetrates its military protected boundaries, flirts with Catwoman, and flame-paints his logo on a building 300 feet across to let all of his enemies know that he’s back and ruin any shot for a surprise. Instead of immediately trying to defuse the nuclear weapon contained in the city.
Batman also stored his “Bat” under a tarp with the keys in it while he’s in prison. No one takes it.
Why does a clean energy generator have an LCD display on it to count down to detonation?
The Joker carved up people’s faces, shoved pencils in their eyes, blew up a hospital, killed the imitation Batman, and burned his own money. The guy was insane. Bane? This guy reads Commissioner Gordon’s private letter! What nerve!
I could go on, but I’m depressed. 4/10.